Saturday, August 18, 2012

Memoirs of a sleepless traveller

I have a particularly mixed record of sleeping during train journeys. In some fortunate journeys, I fall asleep instantaneously. Almost as soon as I put my head onto the pillow. But not so in most journeys. During these journeys its a constant battle between sleep and just tossing and turning restlessly in the rather smallish bed you find in Indian railways. This particular journey that I am recounting was one such battle. It was three AM and sleep thus far was successful in evading me. The more I longed for sleep the more it ran away from me. Like a wily temptress. For some obscure reason I always think of sleep as a feminine entity. Perhaps, due to the unpredictable nature the better sex commonly possesses.

I finally gave up longing for sleep and decided to venture out to the station that had just arrived. It was a chilly night and I had an irresistible urge to purchase a steaming hot cup of tea that was being sold in the station.The tea was excellent but whatever semblance of hope for sleep I had were dashed. The tea had made me wide awake. Instead of going back to my allocated bed I decided to sit near the entrance of the coach. When the train would start, a gush of windy fresh air would strike my face.Its quite a pleasant experience especially if you are in a reflective mood deep into the night.But it seemed I was not the only one with the same idea. The person who was sharing my cabin in the train was already seated there. I sat next to him, slightly irritated because I was looking forward to some solitude and reflection.

"So you are not able to sleep as well" He asked me cordially

"Yes. Sleep has been elusive tonight. You are Manjunath if I remember correctly" I replied. We had already exchanged pleasantries and made small talk in the evening. I wanted to test whether I could remember his name. I generally have a bad time recognizing faces and remembering names. So I preferred to sort out the issue at the onset rather than get corrected later on.

"Yes. My name is Manjunath. Sleep has not been kind to me either. So I thought I might as well get some fresh air"

"You look especially tired. When was the last time you had some good sleep. Because it looks like you could do with some"

"Hehe. I would love some sleep. I haven't slept a wink the last 4 days to be honest"

"No wonder you look so tired. What's bothering you if I may ask". I have generally noticed that people do not mind if you are intrusive in a train journey. So I felt it was a perfectly legitimate thing to ask.

"Well, there are things of the past that bothers you. You know something that keeps haunting you"

"You mean something of the past that you regret now". There is something about train journeys that makes you talk. In one instance, a person had revealed to me his darkest and most intimate secrets. Maybe its the fact that you may never meet the stranger again and that makes people tell stuff to strangers that they would never dare to tell anyone they know.

"Exactly. You have the right word. Its regret"

"Regret? What sort of regret?" I was kind of piqued. These sort of things make me really curious.

"You know, general things" he said vaguely. He was suddenly becoming uncomfortable. As if realizing that I am a complete stranger rather than a confidante. I did not want to pester him but my curiosity was getting the better of me

"Even I have regrets" I replied "Had I studied harder for the entrance exam I would have secured a better college". I hoped me stating my regret would tempt him to reciprocate

"I do not mean any offense but I advise you to not lose sleep over that. It is a bit childish If I may use the word. Is that all you regret about?" He asked me in an obviously envious tone

"It may seem childish to you but it is something I regret. What about you. What's your regret?"

"The thing I regret happened a long time back. Around 6 years ago. When I was around your age"

"Back when you used to worry about exams" I said tongue-in-cheek

"Yes. Those were the golden days when I had still not grown-up. I had gone to visit a friend in a neighbouring town. I remember we had gone to see a movie that evening. While we were coming back we witnessed a bunch of people with swords and sticks in their hands going after a man carrying a child. It was a mob. The mob was chanting religious slogans continuously and in front of our eyes they managed to catch up with the man they were chasing"

He began to hesitate at this point. This time I was not keen on goading him to talk. Even I remained silent. I had half a mind to terminate the conversation and go back to my bed. While the other half was resisting the temptation and wanted to hear the whole story. Before I could decide he got over his hesitation and began again.

"What I saw next was unbelievable. The mob caught up with the person and in their frenzy started brutally assaulting the person with their swords. And they did not spare the child as well. It was a little girl. Both were being butchered. Their cries were like scared chickens shrieking during their deaths. Luckily, as it was dark, me and my friend were not noticed. After around 10 minutes, the mob started walking away from the scene. Me and my friend were shaking heavily during the carnage. But once everyone left we came out of hiding and approached the man and the child. The man was writhing in pain. He was not dead yet but we could see he would not survive. He had been viciously slaughtered. Inspite of the pain the man was pointing towards the kid. His daughter. As if pleading to us to save the kid. The girl was bleeding as well but not as much as her father. I asked my friend 'We should take the girl to the hospital. I think she may still survive' My friend thought for a while and then  replied 'But they started it 2 weeks back when they had slaughtered one of us. Why should we spare these idiots. Its better we leave'. And do you know what I replied"

"What?" I asked

"I said 'You are right. Lets leave at once. The idiots need to be taught a lesson'. And I left that little child, that little girl lying there in the pool of blood. I just left her. Heartlessly. Mercilessly. Mindlessly. I even conveniently forgot about it and successfully removed from my mind all traces of guilt that I should have felt. Until a few days back. A few days ago a little girl was born to me. To remind me of my sins.

And he started sobbing thereafter. A grown up man sobbing in front of a stranger. My mind had become blank after listening to his narrative. I put my hands on his shoulders and tried to console him. He withdrew his shoulder and wearily retreated to his bed trying hard to control his sobs.

A couple of hours later his station had arrived. Before leaving, he came towards me, nodded his head and gave me a slight grin. With that silent goodbye, he unloaded his luggage and climbed down into the platform of the station.


Friday, July 20, 2012

A day in a Diary

Tue, 21 Mar: This is one of those days where you feel the whole world conspires to ensure you remain bogged down.

After 8 days of sobbing over Ted and not leaving my room I had finally mustered the courage to go to office and face my colleagues. Ted was the most difficult person to face but even though I am weak, I did go to office. When I entered it was with my head held high. The 8 day break had sobered me up. I knew I had to put everything behind me and get on with work. Trust me, I had done my best and had wanted to put my best foot forward. But as I entered my office, I saw people glaring at me and staring at me and mocking me. Their face had that look where you try to control your grin when someone trips on a banana skin and makes a fool of themselves.I instantly realized that people had been talking behind my back and most possibly making fun of me. But as I told you before, I was planning to put my best foot forward. I just tried to shake off the  feeling of foreboding and  humiliation that was engulfing me by brushing off the stares and the glares as mere office gossip. I just kept walking until I reached my cubicle.

I knew office work would prove to be a good distraction so I started organizing my pending work. Heartbreak, it seemed, was not a good enough reason to take a long break. Some people wanted to prove that point by giving me more work than necessary. But I did not mind. More work meant less thoughts of Ted. And so I got about my work. I prepared a report diligently for 3 hours but I reached a point where I just could not go on. I just had to see Ted. I was trying to convince myself that I had stopped loving Ted but it wasn't that easy. I had really loved him. Sincerely. Fine, he did not love me in return but we did share some special moments. How was I supposed to forget all that. These were the thoughts that were going on in my head at that time. So I decided to take a 10 minute break and just go to the floor where Ted generally hung out. The coffee floor. I would just pretend that I was dropping in to have a cup of coffee. And if I was lucky I would see Ted and maybe even say hi to him politely. I had made up my mind I would be extra civil to Ted. And make sure he did not realize how much the break-up had affected me.

I took the lift to the coffee shop and there he was surrounded by a couple of his guy friends. He did not seem sad by any stretch of imagination. That was the first thing I noticed. Infact he seemed to be having a jolly good time. He was being really witty and humourous and was making his friends laugh heartily.

Ted''s back was towards me and so he could not see me when I took a few steps towards him. When I came within earshot I suddenly realized I was the topic of conversation. "And she was wailing like a Banshee 'But Ted what will I ever do without you. You completed me. Please don't leave me. I love you.' And I was thinking to myself 'Ted, you really have to get rid of her. She is so clingy. The melodrama and the soap opera seems interesting for a while but after a point of time you feel like saying CUT THE CRAP"

Each sentence that he was saying was hitting me like a slap. Their laughter was nauseating me. I could not breathe. I knew I would fall if I did not lean against the wall. I felt like letting out a scream but the comparison with the Banshee was stuck in my head. The way he had mimicked me. All of a sudden, I realized the reason for the stares and the glares. It was not mere office gossip. It was something really disgusting.

I desperately tried to control my tears and almost ran to the restroom where I burst out crying immediately. It does not feel good to write all this. But I cant help it. Nobody else cares to listen and I cant suppress it anymore... 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Gordon's Shadow

Gordon had difficulty connecting to people. He could speak to people as long as speech was functional. But as soon as speech would convert into anything near conversation, Gordon would clam up. His mind would stop working, words would dry up and his outward demeanour would change for the worse. People would generally take this as a cue to say goodbye and usually made a mental note to avoid the awkward situation in the future. Gordon had taken steps to treat his social awkwardness but no amount of personality development courses could cure the mental breakdown he would face while conversing with people. Unfortunately, most people mistook his lack of social skills for mental retardation. His office colleagues made snide remarks about him even when he was within earshot not realizing that Gordon could comprehend and feel the pain. His expressionless face would mask the humiliation and the frustration but he would feel the pain nevertheless. Even though he was good at his job as a machinist, he could never make progress in his career. He did not mind the lack of career upgradation as much as he minded the lack of human contact. Gordon's age was 33 and let alone marriage he had not even dated yet.

The only reason Gordon had survived was due to his 4 pet dogs. All of them stray ones. Somehow, he could connect with stray dogs and he especially bonded with the 4 dogs he kept as pets. He had never talked to his dogs like he had seen the other dog owners do. But the dogs never minded. The dogs loved his company and this is what kept Gordon going.

Gordon was once feeding his dogs with milk and biscuits when he heard a meek voice behind him say "Can I play with the dogs as well Sir?". It was his 9 year old next door neighbour. They had never met before but it seemed the kid had a liking for dogs. "Yes. Of-course" Gordon replied. "Wow. Thanks a lot. Thats really nice of you.I love dogs. By the way, I am Steve. What's your name?

Gordon waited for the usual clamming up sensation which would engulf him and would make him stutter his name nervously. But this time something was different. "Gordon" he replied confidently and clearly and with a smile to boot. Maybe it was the kid's enthusiasm and his cheery tone of voice or maybe it was the shared affinity of two dog lovers. Nevertheless, Gordon, for the first time in a long long while, did not mind conversing.

"What are their names Mr. Gordon?"

Gordon had never though of naming his dogs. The thought of calling out his dog's name had never occurred to him. But saying all of this to the kid would surely disappoint him. Gordon replied " This one you see here, he keeps scratching his ears. So I have named him scratchy"

"Scratchy. Hahaha". Laughther. The sweet sound of laughter. Gordon had forgotten how to make anyone laugh. Steve's laughter was the sweetest sound he had ever heard.

"And what about this dog Mr. Gordon. He is so monstrous. What's his name?"

'I have named him Little John" Gordon replied with a smile.

"Hahahahahaha" Steve broke into uncontrollable laughter "Just like in Robin Hood. And what about this dog Mr. Gordon" pointing to a completely black dog.

"Oh. That's Shadow. She is dark and she always follows me around. Just like me Shadow"

"Wow. That's so cool. And what about this dog. The one wagging its tail"

"Thats Gordon Junior. He reminds me of me. You can call him Junior if you want"

"Yes. He is like you. Mysterious but kind. You are an awesome neighbour, Mr. Gordon. Will you be my friend?"

"Yes ofcourse. I will be glad to" Gordon replied happily..

"Thanks! Gotta run now Mr. Gordon. Mum might get worried. See you later!"

"Bye Steve"

Gordon could not remember the last time he had felt so happy. He went into his garage and quietly threw something into the dustbin. It was the rope he was planning to kill himself with.



Sunday, January 15, 2012

A Street Dog's Absurd Tale

It was with blank eyes and a blanker heart that the dog saw the world with

The world is incompetent in dealing with me, it thought
And that's why I am in such a state, it thought

Its morbid self pity and self loathing prevented it from scavenging the bins
Other dogs with better moods and lesser sins were more victorious

I better not move or i will be hit by a truck
If the food comes its good, if it doesn't then nobody cares a fuck

A paw away there was a biscuit to be had
But sleep was beckoning and it was necessary to be sad

Where misery is glory and sadness is to be tomtommed
That life is well lived and even better died

It's a dog's life after all

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Just a thought

He wondered why he kept getting the same thoughts again and again. Over and over again. The same lines and the same words. The sameness was hurting him. The same idea kept repeating over and over again. Again and again with the same lines and the same words. He wondered why.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dan

Dan was lying down on the bed in his bedroom. There is nothing out of the ordinary about this. But Dan was doing too much of it. The only time Dan had left his room in the last week was to eat in the cheap restaurant opposite his apartment. His room was covered with layers of dust and sprinkled with cobwebs all over the place. His room was utterly disorganised, just like the state of his mind. Dan was almost getting comfortable with his decay. He read something, watched a bit of TV, listened to a few songs and slept the rest of the time. Dan was so confused about what to do, that he did nothing.

His life had come to a standstill.Till the last week, he had a decent paying job. He had an ability to keep the HR managers at bay and thus was pretty much satisfied with the job too. And then all of a sudden, decided he had enough and tendered his resignation. He had to forsake a month's salary for leaving his job without notice but he dint mind. He tried to remember the words he had said to justify his resignation. The words were trickling in."Not job material", "Entrepreneurial", "Pursuit of passion". Now that he looked back, those words were mere excuses to disguise his lack of planning in quitting his job. He quit because he had felt intense suffocation for a matter of two minutes and that resulted in the resignation.

Now, the only thought that was running in his head was the excuse that he was going to give his mum for not finding a new job yet, when she would call worriedly in a few hours expecting some restoration of sense in her son. Searching for an excuse was being too much trouble so he decided that he would tell her the truth instead. The only issue that was really plaguing him was he did not know what he wanted. Everyone else were so certain of what they wanted. Dan hated his utter cluelessness. He had to find a way.

"I have to think" Dan thought. His struggle with the lack of understanding over his existence overwhelmed him. He wished he was like the others who did what others told them to do. Dan had a largely uneventful life like the others and that's why he wondered  why he could not behave like the others too. Make money, recreate and procreate. And like them, basically try feeling good about yourself and feel important from time to time. It was such a simple and easy way to live Dan thought. Yet he could not follow that path. Dan knew what he did not want but he did not know what he wanted. He had no idea of it. He did not want to follow the path everyone else did but had no alternate path in his head ready.

Danny smiled to himself. Even infants were better functioning than he was. They cried when they wanted milk, play or a cuddle. And here he was, a 26 year old grown up turning into a semi vegetable with hardly any decision making capacity. The world wasn't such a difficult place to live in as long as you had an ounce of purpose. Take away that ounce and you will have a person like me, Dan reasoned.

"Life is an illusion" he had heard people say to sound intelligent. Right after saying that, the same people dived headlong into the mundanities of life. "Life Is an illusion and everybody is a part of it, me included" Dan thought. " The illusion will deceive me too. Just like my fellow participants. The trick is to not try to solve the puzzle because the puzzle is unsolvable. The dice of the universe is always loaded against you." Dan was half proud half embarrassed with his philosophizing but happy that atleast things were beginning to make a little sense. The point was not to understand or question the point of existence. The point was to go about that existence as it comes. Like watching a movie for the first time. With that thought Dan went back to sleep.

Dan woke up 10 hours later, with his head feeling dazed and foggy. Too much of sleep was giving him an intense hangover which he had never felt with any amount of alcohol. Somehow he felt should have felt better than what he was feeling right now. After all life was beginning to make a little sense right. Or maybe it was not. Maybe it was an illusion after all. He started feeling disillusioned. Disillusioned with the way his life was progressing. This was not how his life was supposed to be. Right before falling asleep he had reasoned that life was like a movie that you are watching for the first time. But what if that movie was boring and was progressing backwards. What do you do with a movie you find dreary. You either switch off the DVD player or you move out of the theatre.

Now he understood why people committed suicide. "This movie is so crappy, I cant watch it no more". In the same lines " This life is so crappy, I cant live it no more". Dan could not help feeling overwhelmed at this thought. He was either too crazy or he was too wise for his age. Or maybe he was neither. Maybe he was just a normal 26 year old fighting usual  pangs of disillusionment. Dan knew he wanted to be normal, but hated the thought of being normal. "Do I want to break away from the crowd or do I want to break into the crowd" Dan thought. Dan's headache was getting worse. His confusion had run a full circle.

Suddenly Dan felt an intense feeling of loneliness. He wished he could tell someone of his suffocation. Anyone. But he knew that everyone would be too busy. Too busy leading a life of direction. A direction, most probably shown by someone else. Dan wondered why he could not follow the direction his mother had shown him. Get a job. Settle down. Save for your retirement. Which meant to Dan leading a life of boredom and despair. I will rather lead a directionless life and face the scorn of people than follow a direction set forth by someone else, Yes! I will lead a life on my own terms.

Dan felt a surge of excitement with this thought and decided that enough was enough. He experienced a resolve and determination that had been missing all this while. Illusion or not, life was worth it and he would try to live life to its fullest. It was this moment that changed Dan's life. He could sense a huge burden fall off his shoulders as if he had been carrying a rucksack full of stuff all along. A sudden random thought managed to swing Dan's life from despair and provided him with a ray of hope. Dan took a deep breath and felt alive again. Dan had reborn.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

For your eyes only

Cherry's head was spinning around. Everything was revolving. Cherry put on her glasses to make sense of the world, but the glasses made the world rotate as well as revolve. Cherry finally understood what her Science teacher had meant when he had said that the Earth moves on its axis by revolving and rotating. Cherry instantly felt better. If she could make sense of the world, surely her life was no big deal. "To hell with life" she suddenly declared in her thoughts, "Why make sense of a thing that is inherently nonsensical". That thought brought a smile on her face. She prided herself on being a nonsense person. Everyone else claimed that they were a no-nonsense person but Cherry claimed instead that she was a totally nonsensical person. Cherry wondered where she had gained such kind of wisdom at such a young age.

Cherry shook herself off her ruminations as she had a UN job interview scheduled in an hour. She readied herself quickly and galloped away towards the place where her interview was going to be held. She was excited and nervous at the same time. This was her dream job. It would give her full freedom and autonomy to bring forth her ideas to the real world. She had a feeling that she was going to impress the interviewers out of their minds. "Hungry and poor people of the world, here I come" Cherry thought cheerily to herself. Thats when she heard a whining noise right behind her. The noise had come from the most sickly dog she had ever seen. Its bones were sticking out and it was so thin that the wind would have taken the dog along with it, like a piece of paper.

Cherry instantly realised that the dog would die if help was not given to it. She forgot all about the interview, picked up the dog and took it to the nearest Vet. It did not take the Vet Doctor two seconds to realise that this was an emergency case. She arranged for a glucose drip to be put into the dog and fed it with milk. 3 hours later it looked like the dog would live. It had been abandoned by its mother and was left alone to survive the harsh winter by itself. Cherry vowed to herself that she would help the dog survive the ordeal. The dog had angelic eyes. Cherry fell in love with the dog and named it Lil Cherry.

Suddenly Cherry remembered that she had forgotten all about the interview. Her heart sank. There was no way the UN interviewers would entertain her after she came so late. She became dejected and started crying noiselessly, with her tears dropping on her palms. Lil Cherry who was nearby started licking Cherry's  palms lovingly. "Its all worth it" Cherry thought and gently kissed Lil Cherry on her eyes.